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October 11, 2019

I've been in my head a lot.

Reality is reality and I stay present
(but sometimes it feels like I'm not really here.)

You're existing in one space but feel hollow. Your body moves and interacts but you're somewhere else — watching, loosely. Wandering, mostly. Thoughts pacing paths into spirals as you ruminate over crossroads of conflicts and conversations, but regardless of what decision you made (or wish you did) eventually everything loops back into one another again. You're weary of running through your mind all day. Life lately has been recovery.

Some reminders that have helped:

Every event seems like the end of the world but you have more memories to come. Nothing lasts forever and that can spur both sorrow and joy — appreciate the good moments while you're in them, recognize the bad moments will pass eventually.

I think life is about sticking things out and making your situations better. Nothing will change if you don't. It's hard to pull yourself out of the bad moments but maybe remembering that you've pulled yourself out of other bad times is a good way to go about healing?

Every other bad time in the past has had joy afterwards, at some point. Maybe it's about appreciating the joy and not giving as much weight and importance to the negative. Bad moments teach us lessons — about boundaries we need or to lead us towards better things. They may hurt but ultimately they're blessings. Hopefully we only have to learn that lesson once.

I think life (aside from global turmoil) is about going through difficulties that will chip away at you until you become someone who is comfortable and confident enough to 'be'.